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Dear Miriam,
I was just diagnosed with a new food intolerance, right before I’m supposed to go to several meals with friends over the coming days for Shavuot. What’s the best way to handle sharing this information with hosts?
Signed,
GI-Challenged Guest
Dear Guest,
Several years ago, I had a guest coming to dinner with a complex set of dietary restrictions. I meticulously planned a menu to meet all of her needs, only for her to get sick the day before and cancel. The day of the meal, I found out about some folks who needed a last-minute Shabbat meal, and they had literally the exact opposite food needs of the ones I was already accommodating with my planned menu. I moved some things around, changed a few ingredients, made clear who could and couldn’t eat which things, and we had a lovely time.
As the holiday is fast approaching (and by the time you read this, will have basically arrived), there’s a good chance that your hosts have already planned their menus and maybe even started cooking. You should approach sharing this new information with an attitude of wanting to bring your hosts into the picture without any expectations of them doing what I did!
The following script could work over text or email: “I’m so looking forward to our meal together over Shavuot. I wanted to let you know that, as of just a couple of days ago, I learned I can no longer tolerate eating x, y, or z. I’m not allergic, so it’s fine for them to be at the table with me, but I’ll just avoid those ingredients if they’re in anything you’re preparing. I’m also happy to bring food for myself to avoid inconveniencing you so close to the holiday or to bring a dish I can eat to share with everyone.” Hopefully, this won’t mean avoiding everything on the table, and hopefully, offering to bring something will prevent the host from panicking.
Another approach, assuming this is possible within the kosher observance framework of your hosts and your community, is not to say anything in advance and just to bring food you can eat. Pull the host aside immediately and say, “I just found out about some things I can’t eat and didn’t want to stress you out right before the holiday so I just brought things I knew were safe for me. If you can tell me ingredients for everything, great, and if not, I’m just so happy to be here.”
This risks the host feeling embarrassed or annoyed about preparing things that you won’t eat, but it avoids advanced stress and spares you from having to send that text. The company and companionship really is the most important part, and if there’s a way to communicate extreme gratitude to your host while not eating the food they prepared, that would be a good exercise to explore.
Finally, this may be a terrible idea, but I’ll throw it out there: If this intolerance is not life-threatening, and you’ve gone to meals that didn’t accommodate it up until now, perhaps you can wait until after Shavuot to change your diet. This, of course, depends on a number of factors, and your health should always take priority, but perhaps there is a way to ease into this in two days rather than today.
Be well, and chag sameach,
Miriam