If you are a mom of young kids, chances are your calendar looks like my kids’ playroom after a playdate — loud, messy, and guaranteed to make me cry if I stare at it too long. There’s the school calendar, sports practices, family commitments, work obligations, volunteering, birthday parties, tutoring, playdates, holidays, random days off school (seriously, how many?), and that’s before you even think about feeding your family, getting more than five hours of sleep, or heaven forbid trying to exercise.
So how do we do it? More importantly, how do we not completely burn out? Moms may be superheroes, but even superheroes occasionally need to nap or at least hide in the bathroom with their iPhone to scroll.
Now, let me confess, I have not exactly won the “Perfect Balance” trophy in my 9.5 years of motherhood. (If such a trophy exists, I imagine it comes with free babysitting, a full-time cook, and a house cleaner.) I’m a full-time financial advisor, I run a side hustle selling kids’ clothes, I write for Cincy Jewfolk, and I coach both of my daughters in soccer and basketball. I also volunteer at their school. Oh, and my husband? He travels weekly for work. So yes, a lot of days feel like I’m starring in a one-woman Broadway show, except the audience is two kids asking for snacks, always needing a ride, and nobody tips or claps at the end.
From the outside (ask any of my friends) it may look like the word NO isn’t in my vocabulary. But a shocking twist, I have learned to say it. And it is one of the only reasons I’m still going.
No Doesn’t Mean Never
Here’s the thing: saying no doesn’t mean I have stopped showing up. It means I’ve stopped showing up everywhere at once. I still love my community, my kids’ school, and the commitments I choose, but I’ve learned that if I say yes to everything, I end up cranky, exhausted, and probably yelling at my husband about unloading the dishwasher.
So, no, sometimes looks like skipping a committee meeting where my presence is basically just for the headcount. It’s realizing that other parents also own scissors, and some of them actually enjoy cutting out 1,000 paper snowflakes. And sometimes “no” is as simple as clicking “add to cart” on Amazon for the class party craft instead of staying up past midnight trying to channel Monet with construction paper and glitter.
Do I still feel guilty when I say no? Of course. Mom guilt comes free with every child, like a “bonus gift.” But my kids don’t remember what craft I came up with for the fall party. They do remember me cheering like a lunatic when they scored a goal, and they definitely notice that I’m not a total zombie at bedtime (most nights).
No, also looks like carving out time for myself. This is the hardest part for a lot of moms, but it’s survival. I work out early in the morning, I sauna like it’s my part-time job, and sometimes I even cold plunge (though lately I’ve decided sanity is better than bragging rights). I read, which feels both indulgent and necessary, and occasionally I grab lunch with a friend instead of eating at my desk. Every 6–8 weeks, I schedule a massage. These aren’t luxuries, they’re what keep me from turning into a grumpy, overextended mom-monster.
Yes, But With Intention
If saying no is an art, then saying yes with intention is more glamorous. I save my yeses for the things that matter most.
Coaching my daughters’ teams, for example, is a big yes. Not because I’m full of free time (ha!), but because those seasons are short, the memories are priceless, and I love being out there with them. Also, let’s be honest, I’d be sitting there anyway, so I may as well have a whistle and a clipboard and get in some steps. Plus, I think it’s important for girls to have women coaches who are moms, especially working moms, when they are younger, because it sets a different kind of tone.
Another yes? Travel. Every December is my travel relaxation vacation; we go to Aruba. It’s the only place where I truly do nothing. My biggest stress is booking restaurant reservations six months in advance. Once we arrive, it’s pure stillness, no emails, no carpools, no guilt. Just family, sunshine, and zero schedules. Aruba is my non-negotiable yes to rest, to sanity, and to not Ubering my children. I used to never be able to sit still and relax, but I am proud of myself for teaching myself that gift.
Learning That No Is A Gift
In Judaism, Shabbat is supposed to be a built-in yes to rest each week. I’m not perfect at it, but I try to hold onto the idea. And pikuach nefesh, preserving life and wellbeing, reminds me that saying no and taking care of myself isn’t selfish. It’s literally part of survival.
The hardest lesson has been realizing that when I say no, it’s not just a gift for me. It’s a gift to my family, and to the people I’m saying no to. Because if I can’t do something fully, stepping back leaves space for someone else who can. I would rather be upfront. And spoiler alert, the world does not fall apart without me (though sometimes the laundry pile does).
My kids see this, too. They see a mom who works hard, who shows up for what matters, but who also knows when to rest. They see that taking care of yourself is part of the job. That’s a lesson I want them to learn more than “always say yes or you’re failing.”
The Balance We Build
At the end of the day, balance isn’t something you stumble into; it’s something you build, block by block, no by no, yes by yes. Some weeks, the balance is perfect. Other weeks it looks like a Jenga tower about to topple. But every intentional no helps me remember that I’m not defined by how much I do.
So the next time you feel that pressure to say yes, pause. Ask yourself if you’re saying it because it matters or because you feel guilty. And remember, sometimes the most powerful yes is hidden inside your no.
