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Dear Miriam,
My fiance and I are getting married soon, and the wedding planning has gone smoothly except for one thing. I really want our wedding pictures taken outside, and he really doesn’t. I understand it will be cold (and I’ll be more exposed in a dress than he will be in a tux), but I’ve always pictured having wedding photos in a natural setting. He thinks it’s too staged when we’re actually having the ceremony indoors, he doesn’t want us to be cold (or possibly wet) when we go into the reception, and he thinks it’s overall inconvenient and a bad idea. After a very embarrassing fight during our recent meeting with the photographer, we’re stuck. What should we do?
Signed,
Brrr Goes the Bride
Dear Bride,
Mazel tov! I think it’s fair to say that most (all?) couples end up fighting about something during the very stressful activity of wedding planning. Sure, it might be about the thing itself, in this case, the backdrop for your pictures, but more likely it’s about something both bigger and also less specific: Does this person really know me? Will my wants and needs be met in this marriage? Can we disagree and still respect each other? Do we share the same worldview?
Also, most wedding planning advice doesn’t include relationship advice, like how to compromise, how to let go of things that ultimately don’t matter that much, and how to prepare for a lifetime of telling the same stupid story over and over about how you fought in front of the photographer. I hope the worst outcome of all this is that stupid story to tell your kids in 20 years.
As for the pictures themselves, you can either let this go, or you can find a compromise that works for both of you. Your wanting outdoor pictures doesn’t outweigh your fiance not wanting them, and vice versa, so I really do hope that a compromise is in your future. I’m going to offer some possibilities, and sure, maybe you’ve already thought of these, but maybe hearing them from a stranger will make the ideas more viable and less partisan.
Here goes: You could take pictures way before the ceremony so it won’t infringe on the reception. You could even take them a day or a week before, in your wedding outfits or just in some other nice clothes. You could have a special wedding coat or scarf to ensure you stay warm. You could have the photographer just take pictures of you outdoors and your fiance doesn’t have to be involved. You could explore having some natural elements indoors to use as a backdrop. You could ask your photographer how other couples have made similar decisions and if they have any suggestions. You could have the photographer follow you out of the reception and take unstaged pictures as you’re leaving.
Does any of this resonate? After reading this list, does your position feel like it has any more flexibility than a few moments ago? If you can put this in front of your fiance, does it do anything to sway him, either about the decision itself or about the actual importance of where your pictures are taken? I’m sorry to say, but this is unlikely to be your last fight. But, if you are able to really hear each other, be honest about what’s at stake, and find ways to accept each other’s views, this might be your last fight about the wedding.
Be well,
Miriam
