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Dear Miriam,
My teenage daughter wants to fast for Tisha B’Av this year. What is the best way to approach this with her? (For the record, I think it’s too hot out and not a good idea.)
Signed,
Not even some water?
Dear Not Even,
Let me start with a little background. Tisha B’Av is the saddest day in the Jewish calendar when we commemorate the destruction of the first and second Temples in Jerusalem as well as a host of other terrible things that have befallen the Jewish people. This year, it begins on the evening of Monday, August 12 and concludes after sundown on Tuesday, August 13. Like Yom Kippur, it is traditionally observed as a day of complete fasting (so, no food or water). Unlike Yom Kippur, most American Jews outside of Orthodox communities don’t set aside the whole day for reflection or being in community. The day can be long and lonely and, as you point out, falling in August, it can also be very hot.
Many American Jews have their first or at least most memorable experiences of Tisha B’Av at summer camp, where camps find all kinds of creative and meaningful ways to mark the occasion. If your daughter is at camp, then 1) you have no control over whether or not she fasts, and 2) she will likely be in community with people who are making all kinds of choices about how to observe, and regardless of what she ultimately does, she’ll see a lot of models and likely have a lot to reflect on when she comes home.
Regarding my first point above, even if your daughter is home now, you probably have very little control over whether or not she fasts. For one thing, you can’t force-feed her. For another, as a teenager who is past the age of bat mitzvah, she is technically obligated in this piece of Jewish observance. That said, I’m going to go ahead and assume that you are not a fully ritually observant family, and you are picking and choosing all the time from among different Jewish rituals and responsibilities. If she wants to choose this one, since (again) you can’t really control it, I recommend finding ways to make it a meaningful day for both of you.
Curl up on the couch and watch sad movies together. Read about current events, and discuss with her how baseless hatred, which is blamed for the destruction of the Temple, is at play in our world all around us. Unfortunately, you should have no problem finding plentiful examples. In fact, you could probably skip the sad movies altogether and just watch the news. Talk about the role of this day in Jewish history, how communities observe the day today, and how and why she finds it important.
Talk about famine and climate change and poverty and how fasting can serve as a reminder of the suffering around us. You can eat and drink in front of her or not, but do your very best to respect her choices. If she does end her fast early, as you clearly want her to do, don’t say I told you so. Do check in with her during the day to make sure she feels well and encourage her to take it easy indoors. Don’t tell stories about fasting gone wrong for other people you know. Do make sure she knows that taking care of one’s health is of the highest priority in Jewish law, even on a fast day.
Finally, if you think there’s any chance that she’s eager to fast because of issues surrounding body image or a potential eating disorder, throw out everything I’ve said and seek out resources from your child’s health care provider as well as other resources around alternatives to fasting (fortunately, this is a growing area of awareness, and there are many resources to explore). But, if that’s not the case, as I hope it’s not, your daughter is likely figuring out her place in an adult world of observance and trying out the options available to her. In a world full of as much baseless hatred as ours is, wanting to take a day to mourn feels like a very appropriate response for humans of any age.
Be well,
Miriam
