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Dear Miriam,
In casual conversation, a casual friend mentioned a major change in her life that was news to me. But she referenced this information as if I had already had all the background and not as if she was sharing a huge revelation. What’s the most appropriate way for me to find out what’s really going on?
Signed,
Casually Missing Something
Dear Casually,
I think you already know what’s going on, and just want to know more dirt because gossip is interesting and learning about other people’s lives is fun. Do you really need to know more, though?
My guess is that this was your friend’s way of sharing big news without giving you the opportunity to make an even bigger deal out of it. By acting like you already knew, she cleared the way for this very scenario where you just know as much as she told you and don’t have a clear path to learn more. If that was her plan, I applaud it!
I suppose it is possible that she figured another, perhaps closer, friend would have already shared the news. Depending on how your friend circle works, she might have expected the word to get out, and she may have even been hoping or counting on someone else to do the work for her so she didn’t have to go around talking about her divorce or health scare or job loss or whatever it is. And now that she’s shared with you, she may be expecting you to continue the work of spreading the word. Maybe.
If she has one especially close friend, someone you also know reasonably well, I think it would be within the bounds of typical friendships for you to do some light inquiry. Some combination of, “Rachel mentioned [major life event] to me in passing, but I feel like I was already supposed to know/I missed some crucial details/I didn’t have all the information and wasn’t sure if I could ask. Is there anything else you can share with me? How is she doing/Do you know if she would appreciate any particular kind of support right now?”
But only ask if you’re prepared to manage what you learn. Maybe she’s getting divorced, and it was her fault. Maybe she lost her job and now that you know, she’s going to ask you to serve as a reference. Or maybe she just mentioned it to you because you’re her friend and this is what’s going on in her life. In which case, it would be totally appropriate to follow up with a text, as one does with a friend, that says, “Nice to see you the other night. Want to grab coffee one of these days?” But only do that if you are genuinely excited for more time in her company and not just because you’re going digging for details. If you’re not close enough to reach out to her in a real way, then you’re probably also not close enough to need to know more.
Be well,
Miriam