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Dear Miriam,
I made dinner reservations with a friend over a month ago at a very nice restaurant. As a single mother, part of that planning was scheduling a babysitter. The day of our reservation, my friend asked if we could reschedule because of a last-minute work meeting that they scheduled for the same night. I am beyond frustrated that my friend doesn’t understand why I am upset, why this is a big deal to me, and why it would be challenging to reschedule. How can I (or should I) try to explain this to them?
Signed,
No Night Out
Dear Night,
Plans are hard to make, but they are often even harder to keep. Life happens, as they say, which is both an excuse and an ultimate truth. As an adult human, you know that sometimes work obligations get in the way of things you’d rather be doing. As a parent, you know that sometimes kids get sick at extremely inconvenient times. As a friend, you know that sometimes people are flaky.
Would you feel differently if the meeting was an interview for a dream job, or a crucial meeting with a donor to close a million-dollar gift? Would you feel differently if your friend had been extremely apologetic, offering to cover the cost of your babysitter for next time and proposing a new date for dinner? Ultimately, this seems less about the plans themselves and more about your friend’s attitude, but either way, you feel how you feel, and it stinks.
Separate from your specific situation, getting reservations at fancy restaurants can be difficult, and canceling them often comes with a fee. Hiring babysitters can of course also be difficult, and the fact that you had both is significant. Since the true weight of that significance seems lost on your friend, I do think you should try to explain. Something like, “I’ve been looking forward to our plans for a long time, and I also had to put a lot of things in place to make this evening possible. I’m really disappointed that you scheduled a work meeting over our dinner.”
If your friend does make moves to reschedule this dinner, hopefully with an accompanying apology, remind them how important it is to you to keep the plans and confirm with them again before booking your babysitter. If your friend still doesn’t get it, you may prefer to protect yourself by making lower stakes plans with them in the future.
This is also an opportunity, though, to model how you want to be treated. If you had been the one who needed to cancel because your child was sick, or because your babysitter canceled, I’m sure you would not want your friend to rail against you for inconveniencing them or being inconsiderate. The gulf between parents and non-parents can sometimes make conversations like this especially fraught, so it also feels worthwhile for you to take your friend’s work as seriously as you would want them to take your parenting. Ultimately, if you can’t respect what’s going on in each other’s lives, the impasse in your friendship goes beyond your dinner reservation.
Be well,
Miriam