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Dear Miriam,
There is a single guy at our synagogue who is overly friendly with many of the children in the community. We think this is more a maturity issue than a safety issue, but it is a little strange.
This past Shabbat, our toddler was in the kids’ room playing quietly on his own, which is a skill we want him to have both at shul and at home. The guy I mentioned was in the kids’ room reading by himself. He tried to engage with our kid, but the second time I asked him to let my child play alone, the guy took offense and stormed away.
What should I have done differently, and what can I do in interactions with him moving forward?
Signed,
Solitary at Synagogue
Dear Solitary,
The nice thing about your sign-off is that it can refer to either your child or this guy. The unfortunate thing is that while your child has a whole life ahead of him to gain new skills, to interact with people in a variety of ways, and to choose when and how to engage, it sounds like this guy has more limited choices and may not know what to do with the limited options available to him.
If this guy, or anyone else at synagogue or elsewhere, makes you or your child uncomfortable, you should not engage, and you should start giving your child the tools now to know what to do in such a situation. But it doesn’t sound like that’s actually the issue here. You want your child to be able to play alone, which he was doing, so you know he’s capable of it! That doesn’t mean he should only be able to do that, though. Synagogue, where there are likely a lot of different people coming and going, is a great place to learn the skills of flexibility around sharing space and toys and playing with lots of people, including ones you know and ones you don’t.
Assuming you’re right that he’s harmless, this guy wanting to play with your kid is not in itself something you need to stop from happening. Intergenerational interactions are a huge benefit to a shul community, even when the interactions can be a little awkward. And other people giving attention to your kid for a couple hours can be a real gift of Shabbat mornings.
But if you and other parents want to put limits on these interactions, and in particular want to limit this guy from using the kids’ room, you could push for a policy I’ve seen at some playgrounds that says, “No children without adults and no adults without children.” This guy might feel targeted, and there might be some other difficult conversations that arise, but it’s an option you could discuss with other parents and synagogue leadership to see if there would be support.
I do want you to think for a moment about this guy’s situation, though. These interactions may stem from a place of real loneliness. Synagogue may be the only chance he gets to interact with people regularly, and particularly children. Maybe he loves kids but doesn’t have any in his life outside of synagogue, or maybe he has a hard time relating to adults, and kids feel like a lower-stakes way to have some social interactions. Even if you still don’t want him to play with your kid, your compassion could go a long way, and maybe you can even work with others in the community to introduce him to new people and help him build his own social network.
Ultimately, you asked what to do differently next time. Consider letting this guy interact with your child, as long as you are staying nearby and as long as your child isn’t expressing any discomfort or aversion to his company. Try to be friendly to this guy and encourage others to do the same, especially if you plan to limit his access to the kids’ room. And please teach your child every chance you get how to say no and how to communicate with you and others if he needs help saying no. But unless something else in this guy’s behavior changes or escalates, let the synagogue interactions be a window into other life interactions that we all have to learn to navigate.
Be well,
Miriam
