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Dear Miriam,
This is the most basic 2025 parenting question ever, but how do I get my 10-year-old off his tablet?
Signed,
Too Much Tech
Dear Tech,
It’s basic, yes, but it’s also relatable. Even if someone reading this doesn’t have kids, they may relate to the idea of trying to get a friend off of screens while they’re hanging out, or may even relate to trying to spend less of their own time scrolling. It’s a basic question, but it’s also pervasive, and it’s important to find a solution that works for everyone involved.
A solution that might seem like it would work for your son involves not messing with the status quo and letting him be on his tablet as much as he wants. He’s probably willing to put up with some huffing and complaining from you as long as ultimately he gets to do what he wants. But we both know this isn’t in his best interest, even if for no other reason than you feel annoyed all the time, and that’s bad for him.
A solution that might seem like it would work for you is setting limits on your son’s tablet usage. He could be allotted a certain number of hours per day or per week. He could be allowed to use the device only between the hours after his homework and chores are done and before bedtime routines begin. Perhaps there are different rules for school vacations and weekends, but again, in this scenario, you’re deciding what’s fair, and he’s fitting into those structures without any input and whether he likes it or not.
But neither of these extremes are actually the best option for either of you. To get your son off his tablet, something that’s happening outside of the tablet has to be more enticing, more rewarding, and more worthy of his time. You could offer him rewards for non-screen activities. He can earn stickers on a chart towards a prize, or money, or something else generally off limits for engaging in activities like reading, chores, puzzles, or something else you wish he were doing.
Even better than a material reward, though, is the reward of your attention. If you think he might be open to a hobby or a sport, spend some time together brainstorming what new activities he could try. Maybe you can try one of these together, or you can be his biggest sideline supporter.
I also want you to consider how to integrate him into your home life in a new way. What are you doing while your son is on his tablet? If you’re making dinner, invite him to cook with you, and make it an extremely special and nurturing experience. If you’re reading, pull out the extra-large blanket and invite him to cozy up and read with you, or find an age-appropriate read-aloud you’ll both enjoy. If, however, you are scrolling your phone – even if it’s for work or to order groceries, or to catch up with a friend – you have no leg to stand on in expecting your child to restrict their use of screens while you are using a device in front of him.
In that spirit, regardless of your current religious practice or beliefs, I would be remiss if I didn’t offer Shabbat as a possible path to some of what you’re looking for. If you can designate one day (or even part of a day) as a screen-free time for your whole family, you can break bad patterns and establish new healthier ones, both about screens and also about how you spend time together.
Be well,
Miriam
