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Dear Miriam,
I recently had a falling out with a family member who was upset that I had said a mishaberach (prayer for healing) for her mother after a recent surgery. She said it was a violation of privacy for me to do that, and proceeded to say many other hurtful things. I’ve apologized, but for now, I don’t feel able to give the situation any more attention because it’s just too raw, and I don’t think anything I say will make her feel better. In the short term, how can I approach the High Holidays knowing that the situation will not be resolved? And in the longer term, how can we continue to deal with each other when our relationship can likely never be fully mended?
Signed,
Prayer Problems
Dear Problems,
This situation sounds deeply painful, probably for your family member as much as for you. I would guess that the current situation is a result of many built-up misunderstandings, perhaps spanning many years, rather than one isolated incident involving a mishaberach. Because of that accumulation, one apology – from either of you – won’t get to the heart of what’s really going on.
If you are not coming from a shared cultural or religious background, this family member might not understand what a mishaberach is, or how it functions in Jewish communities. In most communities, when someone or someone’s family member is ill, a relative provides that person’s name to the synagogue, and the rabbi reads this list during services. If you haven’t provided it in advance, you have the opportunity to say it aloud at a certain point during the prayer, which asks God for healing. Many people during times of illness request that these prayers be said on their behalf, and it is considered thoughtful and supportive.
However, if this family member does not share this experience, or isn’t Jewish, or does not believe in God, or just generally feels uncomfortable with this for whatever reason, I can (sort of) see how this would feel invasive. And while I’m sure you tried to explain yourself, this is where my assumption about the years of other misunderstandings comes in. Maybe you’ve had disagreements about religion before. Maybe your practices are completely foreign to her, or she feels judged by your beliefs, or she feels like her beliefs – or lack thereof – are being judged by you. Maybe she’s had experiences of people telling her that they’re praying for in ways that are definitely disrespectful and judgemental, and she sees this example of a prayer as connected to those prior experiences.
I think you need to go into the High Holidays knowing that you’ve done everything you can, and to do that, I think you need to do a little more. To be clear, I don’t think you are at fault here, but because it’s weighing on you so heavily, I think for your own sake, it’s worth another go. Send this person a short note, in whatever format you think she’s most likely to read, that says something like, “I want to apologize again for violating your trust and for hurting you. I hope in the coming year, we are able to find better ways to understand each other.” I would not mention the High Holidays, since religion seems to be a flashpoint, and I would not ask for anything specific from her. But you can know that this is a High Holiday-specific apology, and that you are reaching out and offering to try to do better by this person in the future.
And then, in the future, really do try. You don’t have to understand her or her beliefs or her anger or anything else, and you don’t have to apologize anymore for her feelings, which are beyond your control. But you might be able to feel better about the situation if you can do the work of coming to a mutual understanding. Find one thing about which you can relate to each other or that you have in common. Maybe it’s kids, or other family members, or some shared experience that you both have. Maybe it’s that you both care about the greater good of family relationships and want that to be more important than your personal disagreements. And maybe you care about this and want to make it right, and she’s not willing to give an inch, in which case, you can remember for the future that sometimes even our best intentions can be taken the wrong way. Then, focus on your other relationships and on being the best person you can be for them and for yourself.
Be well,
Miriam
