For the past few months, I’ve been trying to be chill. (I have no chill) My daughter is a senior in high school. She’s going away to college next year, and that alone is hard. Part of being a Jewish mom is being a “smother,” showing up, hovering, caring too much. Now I must trust that I’ve done a good enough job raising her that she can be independent.  I must admit that for years, I have offered to homeschool her for college and keep her at home.

That was already difficult before October 7.

But now, with campus tensions and rising antisemitism, it feels overwhelming.

Not long after the attacks and the uprisings on campuses, I reached out to her college counselor. I told her that beyond academics and rankings, we needed to focus on keeping my daughter physically safe. I wanted to make sure she could get an education without being harassed for being Jewish.

My daughter thought I was overreacting. The counselor, doing her job, suggested we look at some schools that are considered “safe” for Jewish students—many of which were in the South. That wasn’t what my daughter wanted. She’s drawn to big cities, vibrant campuses, and being in the middle of everything. So, we had to find a compromise—balancing schools that my research shows are safe with schools that felt exciting to her.

And I’ve been stuck in that space for months, thinking, worrying, refreshing school websites, watching the news, combing social media, and mommy blogs. I want her to get a great education, launch a fulfilling career, and still be safe as a Jewish student. That shouldn’t be too much to ask. But it feels like it is.

The college process is brutal enough already. 

These kids don’t have downtime. They’re either studying, prepping for the ACT, working, or doing a million extracurriculars. The summer before senior year isn’t about fun; it’s about curating a resume for the college marketplace.

And for my daughter, there’s an added layer. She’s trying to stand out at a highly competitive school while also juggling the pressure, mostly from my family, to choose a college that’s at least “Jewish kid–friendly.”

So here I am, like so many other Jewish moms of extraordinary, overachieving children, stuck in the tension between two instincts:

1.     Do everything in my power to keep her safe and protect her from antisemitism.
2.     Step back and trust that we’ve raised a strong, self-aware young woman who knows who she is.

My daughter is used to being in the minority. 

She knows how to navigate being different, and she has learned about her place in the world. She’s spent summers in Israel, formed deep friendships at Jewish camp, and grown up with a strong identity. If I send her only to a school with an A rating from the ADL, am I protecting her—or limiting her?

Because if there’s any kid who can go out into the world and make a difference—who can stand up kindly, clearly, and courageously for herself and her community—it’s mine.

So I vacillate. 

One minute it’s: Absolutely not, you’re not going to that school.
The next minute it’s: Go get ’em, baby. Fight the good fight.

Today, she’s on a college visit with her dad, touring a very selective university. I made one request: visit the Hillel. Talk to the rabbi. Ask hard questions. That’s what she needs to do on every campus.

But I also know this: all those years of Jewish education, of lighting candles together, of camp and community and hard conversations, she is prepared…

So now I need to step back and let her be the badass that she is.

In our podcast, The Kibbitz, my co-host Melissa and I spoke with Keri Bahar of KSB college consulting and Sarah Fried of Hillel international. Please listen to it by clicking right here.