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Dear Miriam,
In our congregation, kids are required to invite all of their Hebrew school classmates to their B’Mitzvah party. Whether they invite their classmates’ entire families is optional. Since our kid is scheduled last in the class, beyond the families we’re already close with, we figured we’d invite full families based on who invited us. So far, it seems that the classmates who have issued us full family invitations had one thing in common – that their parties were at spaces with a much lower per person food cost. And we will be at a location with a more expensive per person food cost. My question is, how do we decide whether to extend reciprocal full-family invites to families that we don’t feel as close to.
Signed,
Issuing the Invites
Dear Issuing,
I’ve heard a number of variations on this question in the past couple of years, so I want to validate that this is tricky territory, and you’re in good company in figuring out how to navigate it. The most important piece to me is that kids feel good about their celebrations, so while your question matters, remember that it probably matters more to you (and your budget) than to your kid, which makes it a secondary concern to other aspects of party planning.
That said, you do need an invite list, and it has to reflect the Hebrew school guidelines, your and your kid’s relationships, and what’s feasible within your budget and your venue. Start with the realistic numbers. What’s your preferred number of attendees, and what’s your upper limit? When you look at the list of “must invites,” how many are likely to attend? Are you comfortable having an A list and a B list?
While the Hebrew school rule is about current class members, also factor in other older kids who may have invited your child in past years. While parents are less likely to remember or care which invitations they receive, kids definitely do, and it’s not worth any hard feelings over one or two kids, who I would even prioritize over whole families of current classmates.
Before you feel like this is a major decision set in stone, recognize that some of this is in flux. You’re likely to keep getting invites and needing to adjust based on reciprocity. You’re also likely to find out some people who can’t come and to hear about new people your kid wants to add to the invite list, separate from Hebrew school friends.
If you can’t invite all the families who invited you to the party, go out of your way to invite families to the service and make it clear that you value their attendance. Parties are fun (for some people) and expensive (for most), but the service is what matters, especially for the community of Hebrew school families. Instead of thinking about the invite list as excluding people from the party, reframe it for yourself as including people in the service.
Be well,
Miriam