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Dear Miriam,
I don’t have kids, but I live near several of my nieces and nephews. I typically go to a lot of their dance recitals, school concerts, sports events, etc, and I try to make sure I’m attending roughly equal numbers of events per kid. But this spring I’m bumping up against two issues: First, I have one niece who just isn’t it that kind of showy activity, which means there isn’t anything for me to attend to support her. Second, a different niece has a graduation at the same time as a nephew’s concert. How do I choose without looking like I’m playing favorites?
Signed,
Auntie in the Audience
Dear Auntie,
Wow these kids are lucky to have you! Kids tend to be so over-programmed these days that their parents probably can’t even manage to attend everything, so your dedication to showing up is really very special and something I hope these kids appreciate.
I’ll answer your questions in reverse order. I think you should go to the concert. Unless your niece is speaking or performing, graduations tend to be kind of boring and generic. Yes it’s a huge accomplishment, but the ceremonies don’t typically reflect those accomplishments in any personal way. In contrast, a concert is a live example of hard work and accomplishment, and I think it’s worth attending. You can offer to take the graduate out to celebrate at a different time and look at pictures or videos, but I don’t think being there in person is crucial.
If you feel like choosing one is just going to create trouble, you could tell both kids you have a conflict that night and can’t make either event. I don’t generally advocate lying to kids, so consider this a last resort.
As for your niece who doesn’t perform, take some time to think about what she does. If she’s a writer or an artist, offer to set aside a night to look at her work together. If she’s a reader, go to a bookstore or library and browse together, or even read the same book and set up a little book club. If she likes nature, plan a hike. If she likes YouTube, ask her to show you some of her favorite videos.
Arguably, these points of connection could be more meaningful than you sitting in the audience while your niblings perform or the stands while they compete. Sure, you’re seeing them do great things, but you’re not really building a relationship with them around these activities.
As they get older, I encourage you to think about what all this attendance means to you and to them. It’s amazing for them to count on you to be there, but maybe they’d like to have an outing together where they’re not in the spotlight. Maybe you could do the showing up by helping to drive them to practices and rehearsals along the way rather than just being there for the culmination.
Here’s where your two questions intersect. Ask these kids where your presence would be the most meaningful and see what they say. It’s possible you’ve been schlepping all over town to recitals when they really wish you just came over for dinner or took them to the movies or showed interest in their interests beyond what’s on public display. You’re giving them a gift either way, but as long as you’re in a position to be this generous, make sure you’re offering the gift they really want.
Be well,
Miriam
