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Dear Miriam,
I started my current job during COVID, and over the past few years, my number of in-person meetings has gradually been increasing. The past few months, I’ve typically had 1-2 breakfast or lunch meetings a week, either with co-workers or clients. Between keeping kosher style and my own preferences, I am often torn between eating something I don’t really want or asking a lot of questions or making special requests. The former is unsatisfying, and the latter feels conspicuous and unprofessional. What are some ideas for how to order during these meals?
Signed,
Ordering Anxiety
Dear Anxiety,
Our current timeline sure has a lot of problems, but one thing it has going for it is an understanding – often even acceptance! – of widespread dietary needs. People eat different things! People have different tastes! I absolutely understand not wanting to appear picky or difficult at a work meal, but I also suspect you are far more aware of this as an issue than your dining companions, especially if you’re eating with different people each time who won’t be able to compare your ordering habits from one meeting to the next.
Beyond deciding that this isn’t an issue, my first suggestion is to take control of where you’re eating. If the decision is up to you, pick a kosher or vegetarian restaurant if possible. If not, choose a place with a well-labeled menu that includes icons for vegetarian, gluten-free, and other common allergens. Even if those icons don’t apply to you, a place that prioritizes those labels is likely to have a varied menu as well as to be more accommodating to diners’ needs. If you’re able to frequent the same establishments for these meals, you can have one standard order and just stick to it, and if it includes substitutions, maybe the waitstaff will even start to remember it.
If the choice of where to eat isn’t in your hands, try to scout out the menu in advance online. You could even call the restaurant in advance to ask questions before you’re at a table with clients. At some restaurants, it may even be possible to make special arrangements in advance so that they know you’re coming and what you’ll be eating and you don’t have to have the conversation in real time.
These suggestions, though, would be more appropriate if you had a serious food allergy. In your case, it sounds like you know what you like and what you can and can’t eat, and you just don’t like talking about it. That is totally your right, but take a step back. Imagine a colleague ordered the way you order. Would you judge them, or be annoyed, or think less of them professionally? I hope not! We’re all just people doing the best we can, you know?
If it’s really the kosher aspect that you’re the most worried about, and you’re comfortable eating in non-kosher restaurants, you can tell people you’re vegetarian. If you don’t want to tell a white lie you may someday be caught in, say you’re “mostly vegetarian.” Or say “I typically eat vegetarian at restaurants.” If someone presses you on it, 1) that’s rude, and 2) you’re allowed to keep kosher, and you’re allowed to define what that looks like for you. If you’re genuinely worried about antisemitism as a result of talking about kashrut, I’m terribly sorry, and that may be enough to consider if it’s time to look for a new job. But even in this case, I would suggest giving people the benefit of the doubt to not be antisemites and just to tell them “I had to order my eggs without bacon because bacon isn’t kosher.”
Finally, if this is continuing to cause you stress and you don’t see another way out of it, try to suggest coffee instead of a meal. Mid-morning coffee likely won’t involve any food, and if it does, ordering a pastry may be a lot less fraught than a hot meal. But wherever you end up, try to find a balance between your needs and your self-consciousness, and between the perfect meal and the best way to get through the meeting.
Be well,
Miriam
