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Dear Miriam,
How should I deal with my kid (elementary school) stealing small amounts of money from me? We catch her, and there are consequences, and she usually admits to it quickly, but she has done it a bunch of times. What should I do?
Signed,
Hands off my Wallet
Dear Wallet,
This sounds extremely frustrating! As is usually my way, I suggest talking to your daughter to see what information you can gather. Does she know why she’s stealing? Does she feel like she needs things, or needs money of her own, or that her current allowance (if she receives one) isn’t enough? Does she want to see what she can get away with? Is she seeking your attention through negative behaviors? I wouldn’t expect her to be able to articulate these possibilities, but you might hear something in her answers that could help point you in the right direction for the cause, which could also help you identify solutions.
If you want to address this through a positive lens, you can give her the opportunity to earn money by contributing to the household. Make a chore chart with dollar amounts, ideally one that she helps create. You can even allow her to earn money by not stealing money. After a certain number of days or weeks of not stealing, she could be rewarded with a small but meaningful (to her) amount of cash, or a piggy bank or a wallet to store future earnings. Make not stealing more beneficial and rewarding than stealing, and see where that gets you.
You could also respond with more negative actions. Chores could be a punishment for stealing, or, if she does have any money of her own, anything she steals needs to be returned with interest. She could lose other kinds of privileges like screen time or favorite activities, but you’re likely to have more success with this route if the consequences are specifically related to the crime, so to speak.
You may also want to share with her that stealing has real-world consequences. She could get in a different kind of trouble at school if she steals from a classmate or teacher, or certainly if she’s caught shoplifting in a store. I am not advocating that you tell her she’s going to get arrested or anything like that, and I don’t suggest this merely as a scare tactic. Rather, this is genuinely a way to educate her about how society functions and how actions are perceived outside our own homes.
While you’re working on solutions, I suggest making your money inaccessible to her. Hide it, lock up your wallet, don’t leave change around, etc. If there’s some element of lack of self-control involved, removing the temptation may be your best option until she outgrows this phase.
I hope you are able to make some progress towards eliminating the behavior. If you’re not seeing improvements, I would recommend consulting your pediatrician, or a counselor at school, or a therapist. They have all likely seen behaviors like this before and will have ideas either about what may be the underlying cause, how to get it to stop, and/or other supports that may benefit your family while you’re dealing with this.
Be well,
Miriam
