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Dear Miriam,
I’m new to town and would like to meet friends but also a romantic partner. Is there a good way to ask for someone’s information? Should I wait until I meet them a second time?
Signed,
Friend Finder
Dear Finder,
In addition to writing this column, I am an avid reader of advice columns. It is truly remarkable how many questions I’ve read recently from people in a similar situation to what you describe. Making friends as an adult is hard! Moving to a new city is hard! Being lonely is awful and hard and it’s not obvious how to fix, but asking these questions is a great first step.
You are asking specifically about getting someone’s information, but I want to encourage you to back up for a second and think about how you’re getting someone’s information. Where are you going? How are you meeting people? And are you trying in the right places? Think about activities you like to do and causes you care about, like sports and reading, or political activism and volunteering. Look for intramural leagues and community book clubs, or local organizations in need of support. Starting by being around people who share your interests will both make it more likely to connect with people and also easier to ask for someone’s information when you share some kind of common ground.
If you’re at a singles event or a “new to town” event, you can ask for someone’s information more or less up front, since you’re all there for the same reasons. If you’re at an activity like the options above, you may want to wait until you see them more than once and have established some kind of common ground together. The upside there is that you’re more likely to see someone more than once when you’re involved in an activity together, and it’s also easier to say to a group of people, “Does anyone want to grab a drink after this?” then it is to figure out how to approach one person with that ask. If you’re in a bar and randomly meet someone, you probably have to ask for their information right away, as you’re less likely to see them again than ni a more contained community setting.
Jewish communities, whether JCCs, or synagogues, or social organizations geared towards your age demographic, are great places to meet people. On the one hand, it can take a little longer to break into potentially pre-established social groups, but on the other hand, Jewish spaces have regularly-scheduled meetings, often have professionals whose job it is to help new people get involved, and contain multiple activities designed to meet a variety of needs and interests. You can also inquire specifically whether they’re equipped to help you get Shabbat meal invitations, which can get a great way to get to know specific people and the vibes of a community.
If you’re in a synagogue on Shabbat, you may want to check out the community norms around cell phones before taking out your phone and asking for someone’s number. You could try asking someone, “Is there a good way to connect with you after Shabbat?” and then let them fill in how you should reach out. You could also give out business cards of your own, which is both professional and proactive, but also puts the responsibility for reaching out back on the other person.
If Shabbat observance isn’t an issue, you can similarly say, “I’m new to town and looking to connect with people. Would it be all right to get your phone number?” Then of course you have to do the slightly awkward dance of handing over your phone or asking how to spell their name to enter it into yours. Then you have to figure out how to use the number, whether it’s a text to say, “Will I see you at the event this week?” or “Can you recommend a good coffee shop?” to establish some rapport, or if you want to jump right to, “It was so nice meeting you. Would you like to get together sometime?”
You also have to navigate whether these are friendly or romantic invitations, and how to communicate one versus the other. That’s less about being new to town and more about knowing yourself and your social style, but it is worth considering before reaching out to someone. Whether you wait until you meet someone a second time to ask for their information isn’t as important as whether you feel a rapport with them and whether you have a clear idea of how you’ll use their number once you get it. Not everyone will be your friend or a potential romantic partner, but keeping yourself open and friendly and putting yourself in the right kinds of places will get you on the right track.
Be well,
Miriam
