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Rabbi,
I am Jewish, and my wife was raised Christian. She no longer practices, and we agreed that we would raise our children as Jews. This week, my wife mentioned that her parents were planning to give our kids Easter baskets. I was upset about this, as it feels like they are celebrating a holiday that isn’t theirs. She thinks it isn’t a big deal, and we should just indulge her parents. What should I do?
Creating a Jewish home in the assimilated world is no easy feat. We are intimately aware of the cultures that surround our Jewish identity today, perhaps even more so than at any other point in Jewish history. This means that simply avoiding external influences isn’t an option; instead, we have to find a balance that works for our appreciation of the secular world while also drawing clear lines where our Judaism will remain unchanged.
First, I assume that the Easter baskets in question are the kind that prioritize chocolate and rabbits, rather than centering on a profoundly Messianic message. After all, Easter has become as much of a commercial holiday as any other that we celebrate in Judaism and beyond. Overtly Christian themes can certainly have a negative impact on children who are being raised Jewish, not the least of which because it can confuse the theological underpinnings that make Jewish tradition distinct from Christianity. There are, of course, inevitable moments when Jewish children in America will have to confront what makes them different than their Christian friends and neighbors. Still, those questions are least meaningfully engaged with from a starting point of Easter baskets.
On one hand, there is the Jewish concept of Shalom Bayit, or Peace in the Home. This would lead us to conclude that allowing your in-laws to share the simplest and non-religious parts of their holiday with your children is perfectly fine, as it does no harm to the children and helps maintain good relationships with their grandparents. There is also significant Jewish authority that goes into the Talmudic idea that we are not meant to embarrass others (Baba Metzia 58b), and that can be avoided by letting your in-laws celebrate with their grandchildren unimpeded.
Yet, there is something equally problematic about stripping the fundamental Christianity out of Easter in order to make it more palatable for our Jewish sensibilities. To assist in the bunny-fication of Easter at the expense of the deeply theological underpinnings of the holiday can, in some ways, cheapen the experience for all involved, and we have to be very careful about not asking others to soften their values for us; after all, we would hate to see the same thing happen in the other direction.
My suggestion is that this is a great opportunity for a conversation with your children about what it means to help their grandparents celebrate a holiday, even as the children themselves are not the primary focus. This is a chance for you, as a family, to discuss what it means to bring kindness to those who are celebrating something, regardless of what we believe. The Easter basket is a way that your grandparents are able to share the joy they are feeling with you, you might say, and guide the children to the compassion and kindness that allows them to honor a holiday for others without inherently celebrating it themselves. In that way, it feels like a birthday party: I can eat cake, I can enjoy games, I can be fully present, but I have no doubt that I am not the one having the birthday myself.
To raise Jewish children today means being willing to have any number of these kinds of conversations, situating our identity alongside the realities of those with whom we share space. Many of these conversations can be fraught, but they also offer us a powerful opportunity to name our values explicitly and to help guide our children through figuring out what matters to them. I have found that the inspiration for the conversation can often be quite uncomfortable, but that the result of such a discussion is a child who not only feels comfortable having meaningful discussions with their parents, but also one who better understands the role Judaism plays in their life.
Austin Zoot is the Rabbi Educator at the Valley Temple in Wyoming, Ohio.
Love the birthday cake metaphor. Especially helpful in our new blended families.
Our best friends are Catholic. Our 4 kids are the same ages and they’ve grown up calling each other cousins, while us parents are “aunt and uncle”. The mom in that family babysat for our kids through elementary school.
We celebrated, in a secular manner, Christmas and Easter at their house. They celebrated Chanukah and Pesach at ours. They had Christmas stockings and Easter baskets with their friends—their own, taken out each year. At our house they had dreidels and gelt, and searched diligently for the afikomen after opening the door for Elijah. We attended their First Communions, they attended our Bat Mitzvot.
The kids are now in their 40s, still consider themselves cousins, and no one is confused about their religion. I think it has made all of them more accepting and open minded.
When my nephew was in kindergarten, his teacher even invited my daughter, also in kindergarten, to tell the class what Chanukah was, show the Menorah, and everyone received a dreidel and learned to play.
In about sixth grade, my daughter reconnected with one of those children at Girl Scout camp. When they realized the collection, Katie told my daughter that she still had that dreidel!
I think all four kids have been enriched by these relationships.