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I made a new friend at the JCC who is Orthodox. I invited her over to my house for lunch and prepared a vegetarian option for her. When she arrived, she said she couldn’t eat at my house because I don’t keep kosher at a level that is acceptable to her. I put a lot of thought and effort into preparing vegetarian food that I thought would work for her, so I can’t help but feel a little disappointed. I know that I should be accepting of her religious needs, but I can’t help but feel hurt and embarrassed. What should I do?
It is never fun to work hard to be accommodating and then be told it isn’t good enough. You showed great compassion and consideration for your guest’s needs, which needs to be celebrated for what it is: a lovely gesture of friendship.
Alas, good intentions aren’t enough to make up for someone’s unique needs; in this case, your friend is telling you exactly what she is comfortable with. There is likely nothing you could have done to make that situation comfortable for her, and thus can’t take any of the blame for it not going as you had hoped. You might have done her another great kindness simply by letting her tell you what she needs. It is rare that we feel comfortable enough to say, “I can’t do that,” and her being willing to do that with you is probably a sign of her comfort with you rather than an indication of the opposite.
On the surface, kashrut might feel like a strange reason to put strain on a friendship. After all, dietary preferences are rarely an obstacle to interpersonal relationships in most other facets of our lives. However, from the Orthodox worldview, these laws are vital for maintaining a relationship with God. It isn’t simply a matter of avoiding eating a food that is considered “unacceptable”; the foundational belief is that keeping kosher is one of the ways that we respect the covenant with God and thus ensure that God will continue to care for us in our daily lives. When put into those terms, eating the wrong food is a big risk when the punishment is being dismissed from closeness with the Divine. Some readers of this column might think that an extreme way to put things, but the most observant among us will see that statement for what it is: a fundamental declaration of how far we’re willing to go to serve God to our fullest capabilities.
That being said, I might suggest that you ask your new friend what she needs to feel comfortable eating somewhere. Does it have to be at her house where she can be sure of exactly how the kitchen is run? Are there certain restaurants that would work for her? Could meeting in a neutral location and bringing a bag lunch work? By asking open and thoughtful questions, you can show this person that you are interested in doing the work to see how to be the friend she needs in that situation.
There is, of course, the possibility that her answer isn’t something that works for you. There is nothing wrong with finding out that someone isn’t as compatible a friend as you may have hoped. If her answer to your question is one that doesn’t work for you, then it is perfectly ok to acknowledge that perhaps this friendship doesn’t have the future either of you had hoped for.
It is rare that a friendship is asked to endure the difficulties of negotiating personal lifestyles so early on. Yet, if this is a relationship you think will benefit you in the long run, there is a beautiful opportunity to get down to the nitty gritty work of discovering how to support one another and be open to meeting another person where they are. If that is something you can do, the payoff, I believe, can be substantial. And I hope it is.
Austin Zoot is the Rabbi Educator at Valley Temple in Wyoming, Ohio.
