Question: I am in a relationship with someone who isn’t Jewish. They were raised Catholic but don’t have any connection to organized religion. My Jewish identity is very important to me, and before we get married, I want to know if she would be willing to convert. How do I go about asking the question without being insensitive to her feelings?
Answer:
In the half-decade I’ve been performing weddings, about half of them have been interfaith marriages. What I have found, though, is that unless both partners come from the same congregation or community, essentially all marriages require much the same work when creating a family relationship with faith. In my own marriage, my (Jewish) wife and I had to navigate the complexities of how we would keep Kosher for Passover, which set of in-laws we’d visit for which holidays, and the right way to make latkes. While we might assume that an interfaith marriage is harder to navigate, it is often quite common for partners of the same faith to struggle in navigating how to craft a new path forward for the brand-new family we’re creating.
That being said, the best way to broach the topic with a partner is through compassionate transparency. It should hopefully not come as a surprise that your Jewish identity is important to you; after all, if you are going to make a life together, you are both best suited to be open and transparent about what you value and what you imagine regarding how your family will look moving forward. If having a Jewish home is important to you, say that to your partner! Sharing one’s own needs is a vital first step at navigating what can be an awkward and perhaps uncomfortable conversation.
The next step is to ask your partner a very open-ended question: What do they hope for in their own faith journey moving forward? As much as Jews stew about the idea of interfaith marriage, I can only imagine your partner has thought about what it means to live a life where Judaism is important, to you if not to them. Asking with openness and a willingness to listen to the answer is the best way to start what might be a long but important process in your relationship.
The obvious concern is that the answer might not be what you hoped it would be. If that is the case, it is important for you to set clear and definitive expectations for what you want out of a relationship. If marrying a Jew is vitally important, you need to say that and afford your partner the opportunity to decide if that is something that works with their ideas about the future. If raising Jewish children is a non-negotiable, your partner has a right to know that well before anyone gets pregnant. Sadly, it is possible that you will have incompatible dreams for the future. While that is a painful and difficult thing to navigate, I say with confidence that it is better to know with advanced notice that there is a terminal problem rather than getting so far down the line that it feels even harder to stand by your needs.
Of course, any healthy relationship will involve partners who are willing to be patient with one another and bring creativity to the table in navigating these kinds of conversations. It is worth noting that being Jewish for oneself is not a prerequisite to being a supportive and loving partner or parent to Jews. It isn’t fair to expect someone to accept a personal identity of their own because something is important to yours. But it is essential that your partner be able to navigate what it means to be a partner to a Jewish person and perhaps to explore how that will manifest itself in whatever future you are crafting together.
Perhaps you could offer to attend an Introduction to Judaism class together to make learning about your faith a meaningful way to deepen your connection to one another, as well as your faith. (Every congregation either offers an Intro to Judaism course occasionally or knows how to access the class elsewhere) Perhaps you can show your partner some of the rituals and traditions that made you fall in love with Judaism, and, in so doing, show them why it is important to you.
At the end of the day, all relationships require openness and compromise. Coercion is not an effective strategy for conversion; that is the easiest path to resentment and conflict. But as much as this can feel like an uncomfortable topic to broach, it can also be a perfect way to strengthen your communication skills as a couple and further share with one another something that matters deeply to you. In that sense, having the conversation about the role Judaism will play in your relationship moving forward might just be an even greater gift in teaching you how to navigate the challenging when it arises elsewhere (because it always does).
Austin Zoot is the Rabbi Educator at the Valley Temple in Wyoming, Ohio
