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Dear Miriam,
What is the limitation on getting paid back by a friend? We’re talking something akin to a drink or splitting a meal, not a major loan. I’ve helped a couple of friends out on different occasions where it was easier to do one transaction but the person didn’t have cash to pay me back or maybe forgot, and now I’m wondering if it’s too far in the past to ask for my money back.
Signed,
Request for Reimbursement
Dear Request,
If this situation has happened with a friend you like, you’ll probably see them again. Maybe you’re getting together tomorrow! With some luck, maybe she’ll offer to buy your coffee or whatever it is. Or maybe she’ll give you a ride or spend an hour texting you when you have a bad day at work or bring flowers to your next Shabbat meal. Some things in friendship aren’t quantifiable, and when you’ve moved beyond the initial transaction, it’s best to just move on.
In general, if the repayment doesn’t happen before you leave the restaurant or by the end of the evening when you’re hanging out, you should consider the night out to be a gift. The cost of a drink or meal between friends isn’t likely to be revisited if it isn’t resolved immediately. You may not be able to do anything about meals gone by, but you have some options moving forward.
When you notice you’re about to offer to front the money in the first place, keep in mind how this has gone in the past and don’t offer if you know you’re likely to feel resentment or hold a grudge. If you find yourself in this situation often, consider whether your friends might be extremely forgetful, taking advantage of you, or possibly not be such great friends. If they’re forgetful, remind them next time before you get to the restaurant to grab some cash. If the quality of the friendship is in doubt, rather than trying to collect on your money that’s past due, just scale back hanging out with them or say you’re unavailable to front the bill.
Better yet, normalize other ways of working out the check at the end of the night. Go places that will spilt the bill for you, or ask your friends to Venmo you on the spot. As much as a drink between friends may be insignificant, if you feel bad about these transactions, take a look at your interactions with friends and people in general and examine whether you need to be more assertive and a better advocate for yourself. Getting that $10 back may not make a big difference to your bank account, but asking for it in a productive and positive way – or avoiding the need to ask for it at all through alternate payment methods – may make a big difference in how you experience these nights out.
Be well,
Miriam
